Bringing Home the Sibling

When I was expecting my son, through the thrill of adding to our family another bundle of joy, I constantly worried about the effect it would have on my daughter. I talked to friends and family for tips to make this transition from only child to older sister easy for her, I even asked her pediatrician and read as many articles as I could find on the topic.

And there’s a lot of advice out there – some of it is brilliant and works for everyone and some of it, you have to tweak to suit your family, your child and your needs and some of it is so flaky, it will just make you laugh out loud.

I am going to share a compilation of the tips that worked just beautifully for me.

Before the baby comes

Keeping your child informed

• Tell him about the pregnancy earlier or later in your pregnancy depending on his age. My daughter was just under two when we found out I was pregnant. She was at an age where she was fascinated with babies so we didn’t bother waiting to tell her.
• Explain to him about the stages of the pregnancy in as simple terms as you can. I would keep telling my daughter that the baby inside was swimming, and eating and drinking and listening to her. This, I think, really helped her bond with the baby. She would often ask me what her baby was doing at that moment. It also helped in ensuring that she was careful around the belly in the later stages of the pregnancy.
• Make sure he knows the sequence of events and is prepared for them. I would keep reminding my daughter what was going to happen when it was time for the baby to come out of mommy’s tummy. I told her that I would have to go to the hospital and that her grandparents and daddy would be with her and she could come and see the baby and me. This was always met with tears, and her saying that she wanted to be with me but when time came, she was better prepared for it.
• Make your hospital stay as painless for him as possible. Ideally, your first child should stay in your own home during your own hospital stay because children find comfort in familiarity and routine but if you have no choice, make sure it is someone and some place that he is very familiar with. Doting grandparents or uncles / aunts are always a great choice.
• Keep reiterating the baby’s many needs and how they will have to be met. It is crucial for your child to understand how demanding and helpless babies are – how often they need to be fed, and changed and put to sleep. The younger the child is, the simpler the language you will have to use.

There are plenty of books geared towards explaining the situation as well, picture books as well as story books. Some of the popular television shows have big sister / big brother DVDs as well.

Enlist his help for preparations

Involve your older child in helping with the preparations for the arrival of the baby. Let him help choose clothes, toys, bedding, bottles, set up the nursery, and so on. My daughter loved buying clothes for her baby.

Choose a special gift for the baby

Help your child buy the baby a gift for when s/he comes home, kind of like a ‘welcome home’ gift. Help him wrap it up, stick stickers on it and keep it safe for the baby wherever he likes. My daughter and I gift-wrapped the assortment of gifts she wanted to give the baby when he finally came home over ten times because she would want to ‘make sure everything was still in there.’

Spend special time together

Some people suggested that this might make it harder for my daughter to accept the new baby because she would miss having the special time with me. It might be true, but I went with my gut and did it anyway. Both of us enjoyed the special time and I think that it helped her feel more secure and loved.

After the baby comes

Have the baby bring a gift

Buy your child a gift he will love, along with a note from the baby. We did this for a whole week with our daughter and she loved it.

Give him ‘ownership’ of the baby

Even if your older child is too young to help with the baby, he can still help with things like handing you diapers and wipes during diaper changes and the towel while you bathe the baby.

Share your time effectively

The first few weeks, especially if you breastfeed, can be frustrating for the older child. Use feeding time effectively – make it activity time where you sing songs together or do a floor puzzle together or draw funny stuff and play simple games. Tell him stories of when he was a baby – my daughter loved hearing those.

Bigger but still a baby

One of the things I found most striking right after I had my son was how overnight my daughter, only two and a half at the time, suddenly seemed so much bigger. It’s so easy to forget that s/he is still a baby too. He’s feeling a bit displaced, and he needs time to figure out and get comfortable in the new family dynamics. Be patient, be loving and accept that there will be some regressing, resentment and anger.

If you’ve already had your second child, what tips worked best for you? If you’re planning or expecting your second child, what tips have you been given?